A recent photo of myself
I am Heidi Buckell and I was born on the 26th April 1979. My birth wasn't straightforward - the umbilical cord got caught around my neck, starving me of oxygen. It wasn't until 10 months after that my condition was diagnosed - I had Cerebral Palsy. My future seemed bleak, but hard work and determination from both me and my family changed all that.
My parents took the first major step on the road of success and
consented to me having an operation to help me walk. A hard decision but a vital one -
I am now able to walk
unaided. I had a very happy childhood with my big brother, who is three
years older than myself. Although my disability stuck out like a sore thumb
it didn't dominate our lives. We took each day as it came and I enjoyed what every child
enjoys, playing and getting into mischief! (I still do!) I grew up in Apsley, a small
village in Hertfordshire. I attended
the 'spastic' centre in Garston until I was 5 years old and then hard reality set in. My
local school refused to take me, everyone believed that special education was the
only possibility. Luckily, my parents believed mainstream education was best and,
after much hard work and perseverance, they got me into mainstream school. During
my school days I had one-to-one support from welfare helpers mainly to help me get
around etc. It wasn't until I went to college, aged 16 that I was 'let loose'! I did my
BTEC with no additional support and I was proud of myself.
Not satisfied with that I turned my eyes to University. I spent the first three months
of my University life living in a flat with five others. My flat mates were brilliant
but I've never been so unhappy. I wasn't ready for the change from a caring
family to being on my own. I managed physically - I didn't get food poisoning,
but mentally I was finding it impossible. The experience of me being so unhappy
had a profound effect on my family. Luckily they welcomed me back
with open arms. I nearly gave up the course but my family persuaded
me to try and commute. It was 20 minutes by car but I love independence and
caught the bus, which took 50 minutes. In June 2000, I successfully
passed my degree in Sociology & Social Policy.
After completing my degree, I begun volunteering which then led to paid employment. I firmly believe that volunteering was the key to getting the paid position as I was able to prove myself. The job was only part time and this was when I begun giving talks on disability. My manager recognised my success and included an article in their annual report. Unfortunately due to a lack of funding, I was made redundant and after a frustrating job search I begun working at West Herts NHS Trust. Initially I was only offered the job on a part time temporary basis but I was then offered a full time permanent position which I accepted and am still in that position.
The experience of trying to live away from my family, when I was at University, put me off from even thinking about moving out until 2004. A friend asked me what my worst fear was. To this I replied, ‘Mum and Dad dying' Not only would I be an emotional wreck but I would be such a burden on my friends and family -I have never even cooked for myself. Rather than waiting for this situation to happen I felt I had to do something to prevent it. We saw a block of flats being built about a mile away from my parents, after much deliberation we decided to buy one. I thought making the decision was bad enough as it caused me so much anxiety. I remember going to work was like having a rest. When I was at home I had to convince myself that I could do it and then I had to convince my parents. That was only the beginning, when the decision to buy one was made there was no turning back and what followed was 5 months of intense stress. The stress caused me to be ill for six weeks and for four weeks I could barely move a muscle and just had to stay in bed.
I was back at work by the time I was able to pick up my front door key and I remember that day as clear as a bell. My parents were picking me up after work and I said to my colleague – I am so worried. I begun to stay in the flat Friday nights to help me to get used to sleeping on my own. I think I only did this for a month but I remember thinking how can Fridays come round so quickly. 'Here I go again to this flat which I do not feel any attachment to.' This month was stressful as well because I did not know where I belonged – I wanted to still belong at Mum’s and Dad’s but I didn’t.
One weekend I took a deep breath and said that I ‘wanted’ to move out next weekend. Again another decision which meant no going back, Dad and my brother were hardly going to move all my furniture for the fun of it!! That was one of the best decisions I have made, from that day on I have been so happy living on my own, knowing that I was no longer dependent but very independent. There have been challenges and Mum and Dad still do my washing and stock my freezer with home made dinners. (I try not to rely on Mum's dinners and cook for myself but if I need a rest or need to get out quickly then I have one!) Moving out has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make and my Dad used the analogy of it being like leaving someone in the desert but I have done it.
My hopes for the future are to find someone special and get married but I have found relationships can be difficult when you are disabled. There is a part of me that is glad that I haven’t had a relationship yet because I am sure if I would have relied on that security and would have never moved out. Being disabled isn’t easy and I am sure that many more challenges will come my way.
I am a Christian and I believe that God made me disabled in order to educate people about disability. This is why I set up my own disability awareness project, Be Aware Be Clear. I hope you enjoy browsing through my website and if you would like me to come to your organisation to give a talk please do email me.
Photo of me after my operation
Photo of me in my gown
Me relaxing in my flat!